Newton 's Method:
Let, the lion catch you.
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
Implies you caught lion.
Einstein Method:
Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion.
Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon.
Now you can trap it easily.
Software Engineer Method:
Catch a cat and claim that your testing has proven that its a Lion.
If anyone comes back with issues tell that you will upgrade it to Lion.
Indian Police Method:
Catch any animal and interrogate it & torture it to accept that its a lion .
Rajnikanth Method :
Keep warning the lion that u may come and attack anytime.
The lion will live in fear and die soon in fear itself.
Jayalalitha Method:
Send Police commissioner Muthukaruppan around 2AM and kill it, while it's sleeping !
Manirathnam Method (director):
Make sure the lion does not get sun light and put the lion in a dark
room with a single candle lighted.
Keep murmuring something in its ears.
The lion will be highly irritated and commit suicide.
Karan Johar Method (director):
Send a lioness into the forest.
Our lion and lioness fall in love with each other.
Send another lioness in to the forest, followed by another lion.
First lion loves the first lioness and the second lion loves the 2nd lioness.
But 2nd lioness loves both lions.
Now send another lioness (third) into the forest.
You don't understand right... ok....read it after 15 yrs, then also u wont!
Yash Chopra method (director):
Take the lion to Australia or US.. and kill it in a good scenic location.
Govinda method:
Continuously dance before the lion for 5 or 6 days.
Menaka Gandhi method:
Save the lion from a danger and feed him with some vegetables continuously.
George bush method:
Link the lion with Osama bin laden and shoot him!!!
Ravi Shastri method:
Ask the lion to bowl at u.
U bat for 200 balls and score 1 run
Lion tired and surrenders
All the best and be careful if ur trying out any method !!!
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
The Deaf Book keeper and the Attorney.....
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job
in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the
bookkeeper where the money is.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the
bookkeeper where the money is.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
Monday, February 25, 2008
Some thoughts for men...
Thought 1
When we are born, our mother's get the compliments and the flowers. When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity. When we die, our widows get the life insurance. What do women want to be liberated from?
Thought 2
The average man's life consists of : Twenty seven years of having his mother ask him where he is going, Forty years of having his wife ask the same question; and at the end, the mourners wondering too.
Thought 3
A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, "If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a
car will run over you, and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. The man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh, yeah?" the man asked "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
This is the best!!!
Thought 4
Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed some thing in his hand. Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride. The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something. So he announced "Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life." Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, "My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me."
The whole audience including priest started laughing.... ...... but not the poor groom!
When we are born, our mother's get the compliments and the flowers. When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity. When we die, our widows get the life insurance. What do women want to be liberated from?
Thought 2
The average man's life consists of : Twenty seven years of having his mother ask him where he is going, Forty years of having his wife ask the same question; and at the end, the mourners wondering too.
Thought 3
A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, "If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a
car will run over you, and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. The man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh, yeah?" the man asked "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
This is the best!!!
Thought 4
Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed some thing in his hand. Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride. The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something. So he announced "Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life." Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, "My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me."
The whole audience including priest started laughing.... ...... but not the poor groom!
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
The Success of Marriage
Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25 th marriage anniversary. They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their period of 25 years. Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well known 'happy going marriage'.
Editor: ' Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible? '
Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: ' We had been to Shimla for honeymoon after marriage. Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on different horses. My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one.
On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over. Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said 'This is your first time'. She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. This time she again kept calm and said 'This is your second time' and continued. When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out the revolver from the purse and shot the horse dead !!
I shouted at my wife: 'What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?' ..
She gave a silent look and said: 'This is your first time!!!'.'
Husband: 'That's it. We are happy ever after. '
Editor: ' Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible? '
Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: ' We had been to Shimla for honeymoon after marriage. Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on different horses. My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one.
On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over. Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said 'This is your first time'. She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. This time she again kept calm and said 'This is your second time' and continued. When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out the revolver from the purse and shot the horse dead !!
I shouted at my wife: 'What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?' ..
She gave a silent look and said: 'This is your first time!!!'.'
Husband: 'That's it. We are happy ever after. '
Thursday, January 31, 2008
How men get into trouble !!!
How men get into trouble !!!
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, " Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe? " the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
**Now The Ultimate One****
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.
"Is this your wife? " the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord.. It is a misunderstanding.
You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez , You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.
Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez ."
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, " Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe? " the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
**Now The Ultimate One****
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.
"Is this your wife? " the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord.. It is a misunderstanding.
You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez , You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.
Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez ."
Monday, January 28, 2008
Insurance Claim Rejected!
He was a Good Man....
Never smoked,
never drank,
never bullied,
never bunked school/college/office,
never partied,
never lied,
never took what was not his,
never gossiped,
never procrastinated,
never flirted,
never had an affair.
But when he died,......
The Insurance Company refused the Claim.
They said.......
"He who never Lived,
can never Die" !!!!!
Never smoked,
never drank,
never bullied,
never bunked school/college/office,
never partied,
never lied,
never took what was not his,
never gossiped,
never procrastinated,
never flirted,
never had an affair.
But when he died,......
The Insurance Company refused the Claim.
They said.......
"He who never Lived,
can never Die" !!!!!
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
LATEST ICC RULES
(1) Ricky Ponting – (THE TRULY GENUINE CRICKETER OF THE CRICKET ERA AND
WHOSE INTEGRITY SHOULD NOT BE DOUBTED) should be considered as the FOURTH
UMPIRE. As per the new rules, FOURTH UMPIRE decision is final and will over
ride any decisions taken by any other umpires. ON-FIELD umpires can seek
the assistance of RICKY PONTING even if he is not on the field. This rule
is to be made, so that every team should understand the importance of the
FOURTH UMPIRE.
(2) While AUSTRALIAN TEAM is bowling, If the ball flies anywhere close
to the AUSTRALIAN FIELDER(WITHIN 5 metre distance), the batsman is to be
considered OUT irrelevant of whether the catch was taken cleanly or
grassed. Any decision for further clarification should be seeked from the
FOURTH UMPIRE. This is made to ensure that the cricket is played with
SPORTIVE SPIRIT by all the teams.
(3) While BATTING, AUSTRALIAN players will wait for the ON-FIELD UMPIRE
decisions only (even if the catch goes to the FIFTH SLIP as the ball might
not have touched the bat). Each AUSTRALIAN batsman has to be out FOUR TIMES
(minimum) before he can return to the pavilion. In case of THE CRICKETER
WITH INTEGRITY, this can be higher.
(4) UMPIRES should consider a huge bonus if an AUSTRALIAN player scores
a century. Any wrong decisions can be ignored as they will be paid huge
bonus and will receive the backing of the AUSTRALIAN team and board.
(5) All AUSTRALIAN players are eligible to keep commenting about all
players on the field and the OPPONENT TEAM should never comment as they
will be spoiling the spirit of the AUSTRALIAN team. Any comments made in
any other language are to be considered as RACIALISM only.
(6) MATCH REFREE decisions will be taken purely on the AUSTRALIAN TEAM
advices only. Player views from the other teams decisions will not be
considered for hearing. MATCH REFREES are to be given huge bonus if this
rule is implemented.
(7) NO VISITING TEAM should plan to win in AUSTRALIA. This is to ensure
that the sportive spirit of CRICKET is maintained.
(8) THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE: If any bowler gets RICKY PONTING - "THE
UNDISPUTED CRICKETER WITH INTEGTIRY IN THE GAME OF CRICKET" more than twice
in a series, he will be banned for the REST OF THE SERIES. This is to
ensure that the best batsman/Captain will be played to break records and
create history in the game of CRICKET.
These rules will clarify better to the all teams VISITING AUSTRALIA.
WHOSE INTEGRITY SHOULD NOT BE DOUBTED) should be considered as the FOURTH
UMPIRE. As per the new rules, FOURTH UMPIRE decision is final and will over
ride any decisions taken by any other umpires. ON-FIELD umpires can seek
the assistance of RICKY PONTING even if he is not on the field. This rule
is to be made, so that every team should understand the importance of the
FOURTH UMPIRE.
(2) While AUSTRALIAN TEAM is bowling, If the ball flies anywhere close
to the AUSTRALIAN FIELDER(WITHIN 5 metre distance), the batsman is to be
considered OUT irrelevant of whether the catch was taken cleanly or
grassed. Any decision for further clarification should be seeked from the
FOURTH UMPIRE. This is made to ensure that the cricket is played with
SPORTIVE SPIRIT by all the teams.
(3) While BATTING, AUSTRALIAN players will wait for the ON-FIELD UMPIRE
decisions only (even if the catch goes to the FIFTH SLIP as the ball might
not have touched the bat). Each AUSTRALIAN batsman has to be out FOUR TIMES
(minimum) before he can return to the pavilion. In case of THE CRICKETER
WITH INTEGRITY, this can be higher.
(4) UMPIRES should consider a huge bonus if an AUSTRALIAN player scores
a century. Any wrong decisions can be ignored as they will be paid huge
bonus and will receive the backing of the AUSTRALIAN team and board.
(5) All AUSTRALIAN players are eligible to keep commenting about all
players on the field and the OPPONENT TEAM should never comment as they
will be spoiling the spirit of the AUSTRALIAN team. Any comments made in
any other language are to be considered as RACIALISM only.
(6) MATCH REFREE decisions will be taken purely on the AUSTRALIAN TEAM
advices only. Player views from the other teams decisions will not be
considered for hearing. MATCH REFREES are to be given huge bonus if this
rule is implemented.
(7) NO VISITING TEAM should plan to win in AUSTRALIA. This is to ensure
that the sportive spirit of CRICKET is maintained.
(8) THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE: If any bowler gets RICKY PONTING - "THE
UNDISPUTED CRICKETER WITH INTEGTIRY IN THE GAME OF CRICKET" more than twice
in a series, he will be banned for the REST OF THE SERIES. This is to
ensure that the best batsman/Captain will be played to break records and
create history in the game of CRICKET.
These rules will clarify better to the all teams VISITING AUSTRALIA.
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